Only unicorns allowed...
tread catiously...
3/6/26
Prompt: An intimate show, starring Hemlocke Springs on 3/5/26
Yesterday, out of the blue, Hemlocke posted: "i'll be at Echo Park Lake at 4:30 pm--come find me." I had just walked out of class and into my car when I saw that post and thought: this HAS to be divine intervention. I could go on and explain in thorough detail-- all the ways in which the stars aligned perfectly-- but I won't, because I don't need to prove something that I know in my gut. In moments like these, I believe in fate. By definition, "fate" implies that an event was predestined-- which also implies, that the event happened out of my control.I believe in fate, to some degree.I believe that fate exists, but only to tinker with our lives-- in attempt to push us into the right direction-- I know that ultimately, each person has thee final say in how we choose to interact with our experiences, and how we react to the opportunities we encounter on a daily basis.I know this to be true, because a part of me was beginning to backtrack on the idea of going to LA on a whim. Part of me was fearful of driving so far, and by myself. But I knew that I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by.I had already missed one of her concerts before-- at the time, I was a bit fearful of driving so far-- and I lacked having had an established record of me driving to LA by myself (I had only done it once, at this point in time). And with no one else available to drive me there and back-- I ended up not going.It was around christmas time. The show was called, "The Christmystical Tree Under the Sea." I mentally soothed myself by believing that if I had gone, maybe something life-changing (negative) could have occured. But my logic tells me I was being a little too irrational. Especially because I already drive a lot (and far) as is, for my job. I spend so much of my time out on the road. Not to mention, by now, as of 3/5/26, I have already driven myself to LA multiple times.In other words, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I had missed this one too.And so, the trip began: I hopped into my car, and hit the road. I was on my way and ready to shift into the same reality that Hemlocke Springs lived in. I knew that once seeing her up so close, I'd be vibrating at the same frequency that she is (its infectious). When I got there, I stayed in my car. I peered outside-- it was a gorgeous view. I thought, "maybe I should walk around...I have an hour to kill." But I ultimately decided not to, because I wanted to focus on making her letter as thoughtful as possible, without forcing myself to be deep or like I was trying to make a statement. I wanted to write enough, so that she knows I thought it through, but also playful and lighthearted, to keep it balanced and harmonious.The secret to finding that sweet spot is to begin by winding down and being very specific. Gradually, you begin to add some of the "bigger-picture" statements. But you have to be resourceful with it and not overdo it.Anyway, I pushed through and finished the letter. All that was left was to decorate it. Hell, even deciding where and how to put the stickers was a challenge. It was a challenge for me because I like to make stylistic choices.Again, like divine timing, I finished just in time. I walked out of my car and began to walk around. Eventually, I spotted a pink poofy dress-- so I knew it had to be her. The closer I got, the more I realized how small she actually was. I mean no offense by this statement: I mean, at least mentally, I think of famous people to be FULL of untouchable grandeur, painfully so. Whenever I see these idols performing up on stage, they always feel and look GREATER than life. On top of that, with the absence of a band, all I was looking at was just a girl. And somehow, in some way, that intimidated me even more. That amount of physical proximity and accessibility feels foreign to me. The crowd was also really spread out, so I was unable to hide behind someone. It almost felt unnatrual to see your idol up so close, and in such a 'bare bones' set up. Now that I recount my experience, sit here and process it all, I want to cry. I am so thankful that she hosted this event, it felt deeply personal. Not only that, but she announced it the day of, which adds a layer of mystique to it.Hemlocke owned that stage. Hemlocke's kind of beauty feels fairy-like. She looks and FEELS like she just came straight out of a fairytale-- this is a very particular image, so not just anybody can fit under this category, if you can even call it that. When I describe her beauty, it is all-encompassing. This goes beyond physical appearance-- I'm also talking about her literal aura and how she feels when you interact with her. Her voice too-- it is, WITHOUT A DOUBT, my favorite thing about her as an artist/performer.I remember I was driving back home--traffic was horrid at that time, by the way-- and I suddenly got flashbacks to when I held a conversation with her. Oh my god, I could SCREAM right now. I so rarely encounter people who vibrate at her frequency-- people who just radiate so much SUNSHINE, for a lack of a better word. Not only that, but the sun was even hitting her in the right way, and I am kind of self-conscious thinking about how I looked like on her end-- BECAUSE I didn't know WHERE to look.People like her, who put so much effort into how they show up and how they present themselves through their fashion and makeup-- I am literally left speechless, but with my eyes-- I don't know where to look because they offer SO MUCH to look at. I wanted to stare at all the details in her jewlery, outfit, hair, etc.I was so nervous that I reguritated the most garbage statement she probably gets to hear every single time she performs: "how do you dance in those heels?" Brother, I probably sounded like A MAN... my letter should suffice... #Can'tHaveItAll & humbled by the laws of the universe...I recall being so smitten-- nothing is more attractive than a person who is both devoted to their community and pushes through, even when they are scared. Her devotion to her craft, is more than admirable. I can't wait to catch more of her shows.11:24 PM
3/7/26
Prompt: The concept of healing in a world that commodifies everything.
Recently, the topic of healing came up through conversation with a friend. We discussed the ways in which we tend to approach and deal with conflict in our relationships. The conversation is long over, but it is constantly at the forefront of my mind--especially as someone who holds her friends to high standards (though, deep down, I know my expectations are reasonable, it is just that I REFUSE to tolerate mediocrity).As is, the average person's life is full of mediocrity-- at best (and clearly by design). Often times, people are made to believe that it is inherently through a fault of their own that they lack the resources to get the places they need to be, both metaphorically and literally. We have money hungry elites in power who have been, little by little, taking more and more from us-- testing us, to see how much more we are willing to tolerate. They have psychologists behind all of this-- people that know how to make us come back for more--despite dire circumstances. I will not be the first or the last to say: this is psychological warfare.But I digress. What I am here to talk about is this concept of healing and what it means to me within the context of my life. I always hear: "love and hate are two sides of the same coin." And while I logically understand this perspective, I can't help but feel like it is counter-intuitive. The reason being, it feels as though people use that statement to embrace indifference, even in situations where being indifferent would be a harmful position to take. This goes back to one of my past writings/reflections where I wrote:(Sept. 6. 25) "I understand that there are going to be some life experiences that have ultimately been so incomprehensibly cruel on my body, so that a lifetime of healing and therapy could not even begin to cover even half of my sufferings. Some things, I am never going to be able to get over, because I do not think I am supposed to. Would it be considered normal to overcome a best friend's abscence? If someone's mom passes away, who are you to tell them that one faithful day, they'll wake up and feel okay? Some things are never going to be okay. Some may spend the rest of their lives wishing their mother were still here, beside them. The same way that people cannot recover normally after reaching level five of starvation. Some things do not get better with time. You may be able to use the word dead instead of passed to describe your mothers death. You can make peace with it, you may be able to understand the situation from a cognitive and spiritual standpoint. And yet, only something impossible-- like bringing her back from the dead, would make it feel easier to breathe. Yet, again, only something impossible, like undoing the damage caused by level five starvation, could fully heal their wounded, malnourished, aching bodies. What I want is impossible. Please hear me when I say that. And once I hear the words spill out of my mouth, I know I've reached a point of no return."I believe that most experiences are meant to pass through us.
I also believe that some experiences are meant to shape us-- therefore, leaving lasting effects on us, whether it's negative or positive.
But I know that some of these experiences are senseless and incessantly cruel.Love and hate both require attention, and in some cases, passion. Is hating an abuser, betrayer, or wrongdoer on par with loving them? Some would argue, yes: you are giving them attention, and any attention is good attention. But, is attention on par with love?
I don't think so.
Is obsession on par with love?
I don't think so.Alchemize the hate without equating it to love simply because both may include passion.In me, there is so much wrath for all that is below mediocrity. I am heavily opinionated, and strictly stick to my morals. I am quick to leave, I am typically the first to leave. I am not willing to endure incessant pain if it is avoidable and not worth the struggle. I've learned that, usually, it is not worth the struggle-- but when it is, it is the most rewarding.I hear many people say that they don't "waste" their energy hating on anyone. And to that I say, great, niether do I. I don't obsess over people I dislike in a way that debilitates me or is pervasive. It is never really about the specific individual, because that vessel was simply the messenger-- to me, they are a personification of an issue and may serve as societal commentary.I hate the things I hate because I love the things that I love. The things that I hate remind me of why I love what I love, and teach me what not to do, and what not to say.Hating something/someone just proves that you are a LIVE, thinking and feeling being. Being passionate about what you hate just means you're alive. Be thankful for your wrath, as it is what keeps us fighting.11:11 pmDisclaimer: I am not advocating that people should remain in loops of negativity. Instead, I believe that people should be more willing to see situations exactly for what they are-- nothing more and nothing less.Especially when our normality and culture is constantly trying to pacify people's problems through methods that fail to address the root issue. Complex issues may be reoccuring, and often flare up in waves. On some days, you won't even think about it. On others, you will be made to remember. Sometimes, you will be asked to do more than just remember.I am simply sick of the toxic positive rhetoric that attempts to spread indifference as a means of resolve when what we need is action and passion-- more of it, more than ever. It is not wrong to be passionate about what you dislike as long as you can alchemize it in some way shape or form.
endless loop... 3/7/2026
How I get (by Laufey)
"Has addiction come for me?"Be the girl! (Hemlocke Springs)
"I can't be the girl I used to know
Even though I thought I could"AAA Powerline (Ecco2k)
"So nauseous can't sleep it off"Iris (Solya)
"The things that I saw could never be proved
I wanted to save you, but there was no way to"If I leave (Mitski)
"If I leave, somebody else will find you
But nobody else could see me
Quite as clearly as you"
3/8/26
Prompt: romantic love and platonic love: can you tell the difference?
"Relationships aren't love, they're habits-- I miss my habits" (beakandsqueak)
I believe, that in order to sustain a traditional romantic relationship, you need so much more than just love. Dare I say, it is not about passion. It is about alignment and teamwork.
Being queer platonic is not for the weak because the average person cannot wrap their head around it or conceptualize the life of a queer platonic person. Though I can definitely experience both platonic and romantic feelings, I tend to rely more on friendship (friendship aspects), both in the long run and in a more clear-headed manner. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my ideal romantic relationship should mirror a friendship in more ways than not. There are tiers to this, in my head: (1) friendships, (2) romance, (3) sexual. I am on the asexual spectrum so I am capable of putting my sexual life on hold-- for the rest of my life even--I have no problem with that. I am very indifferent to it. It's the kind of situation where: if I get it, that's good, but if I don't, then that's also good.I am a lesbian, so there's that.Now that I have given myself the space to talk about this I WILL: For a long time, I was skeptical of my identity as a lesbian. I doubted my identity for so long because I have the tendency to feel easily embarassed around male-presenting people (that I am unfamilar with).I feel the male gaze working, and my nervous system goes haywire. It is the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I'm quite ashamed of this and do not like to talk about it, but this does happen to me... especially on days where I feel vulnerable and insecure.On the contrary, when I feel secure of myself, the male gaze ceases to exist to me because both my mind and body are in alignment and on the same page. But sometimes I feel my heart race, and I begin to wonder if those around me can see and sense my state of discomfort and wonder if it is because I am attracted to them.The truth is, most of my reaction is seeded in trauma. In actuality, I am extremely uncomfortable.For reasons obvious to me, I am not interested in the dating scene at this moment. But even recently, after meeting Hemlocke Springs, I got that confirmation that I really am a lesbian. I didn't feel a deep pit of embarassment when I got to talk to her. Now, don't get it twisted: I was extremely shy and was genuinely speechless and starstruck all at once--my mind went blank at some point-- but NOT ONCE did I feel discomfort like I have around male-presenting people.In a way, getting to meet her was validating to my identity. Because I suddenly remembered the VISCERAL difference between feeling the male gaze and being attracted to someone.On another note, I have been thinking about romantic love a lot because it is so pervasive in my life. If it weren't for the patriarchy and the supremacy of romantic relationships then I am sure I wouldn't be here. And I probably wouldn't be living like this.The abstractedness of a romantic relationship and "romantic love" begins to feel VERY REAL and HAPTIC the more you think about it in the grand scheme of things.Now, let's address the elephant in the room: "Why aren't you interested in the dating scene?" I'm looking at this question and I'm asking myself, "how many hours do I have left in the day?" Cause, I could sit here and talk about this all day! For starters:(1) They have to understand that I am my own person, and they are their own person. I don't participate in the "merging" aspects of romantic relationships. I don't care how much I love a person, I refuse to share the same bed and room as them. It is that simple. Like, keep some mystery alive...#SayingNoToMarriage(I already know that that stipulation probably popped a lot of balloons... and I we just got started...LMFAOO)(2) They have to undersand that my platonic relationships are still an active part of my life and are an essential part of my support system. I WILL be making time for them and they are just as important as a romantic relationship is. I am not willing to spend every single breathing moment with them.(3) We must have similar lifestyles and goals.(4) We must understand each other on an artistic, intellectual, and emotional maturity level. Are willing to call me out, humble me, when necessary.(5) Humanitarian.The gag of it all? I expect most of these from my friends as well.
Within the confines of a friendship, I feel so free. I feel clear-headed. I cease to feel like I am performing a role because I know I am there because I WANT to be there. It is a conscious choice I make everyday. Within the context of our culture, romantic relationships make me feel like I am performing a role.As a society I think we'd be happier if we embraced having flings. Sexual and physical attraction are different from emotional attraction and it can be easier to find physical attraction than it is to find an emotional/mental connection. I strongly dislike this puritian culture that aims to shame people for having a sexual drive and embracing that.And also, just because you've had sex with someone, that doesn't mean you should continue to be with them because you already reached that level of physical intimacy OR that belong to them in any way.This traces back to the patriarchy: STOP with the puritian culture, STOP with the concept of virginity.I also think we as a society would be in happier relationships if we didn't intrinsically tie physical touch with romance and romantic relationships. If we as a society had examples of how DEEP platonic relationships can run-- we'd all feel less lonely.AND we'd all have stronger support systems.To me, romance and platonic love do not have harsh distinctive lines.They both require astronomical effort, time, attention, and care from my end. And after having had read my stipulations for romantic relationships, you will notice that a base of friendship is at the heart of it all.The difference between them is simple: boundaries and restrictions. These of which, vary, from person to person.I don't view platonic and romantic love as categories. Insetad, I think about individual people and what their wants and expecations are of me, specifically.As someone who is on the spectrum for asexuality, I was blessed with the inability to tell the difference from platonic from romantic (how it feels in my own body) because they feel just as intense and complex to me.On top of that, as a queer platonic person... I want to share a life with my friends. I want to share a residence. I desire a long term relationship with them. Whether that is with one person or more.
3/18/26
Prompt: "No entienden cuando les dice uno-- eso es lo triste"
I often hear that come out of my dad's mouth, especially when he is reprimanding me, but in a disappointed way. He doesn't understand why I make some of the same errors he's made, especially when he explains to me that he has given me so many verbal warnings and lectures to prevent this from happening. Yet the error prevailed...why?I think the answer to that question is why I know, I cannot raise my own children. Whenever I'm asked about the future, I am inevitably asked, "do you want kids?" Hell, sometimes I am not even asked that. Many people just assume that I will have kids."Oh, you don't mean that."To circle back to my first question: the answer to that is control. Or more accurately, a lack of control.My parents, like other parents, think they are capable of controling the outcomes and behaviors of their kids if they monitor them closely, coach them, and warn them.But that's not how people learn.
People learn through personal experience. Through touch, taste, sensibility, perspective, etc.Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of preventable situations that could be prevented by parents. But similarly, there are a lot of non-preventable situations. Of course this varies from person to personality.And this is why I think that every person who wants to become a parent should take early education courses.Each child is their own person. I don't think it is right for parents to want to live vicariously through their kid(s).Then, that situation reminds me of why we all need support systems that are beyond the nuclear family. As a parent, your support system should not be your kid(s). As a parent, YOU should be the primary support system for them, but even then, they (their children) need their own friends and other trustworthy adults.When I remember how deeply individualistic and competitive traditional relationships are, at least here in the U.S., it makes me feel like I am living in post-apocalyptic times.
Let people fall and fail on their own.Let people discover it FOR THEMSELVES.I believe we'd all be happier if we switched our unrealistic (borderline inhumane) expectations of others to realistic ones.Forcing your own image or dream onto another person, that ISN'T YOU, is cruel. Its setting someone up for failure.That's like denying someone their own personhood.
endless loop... 3/18/2026
All I did was dream of you
(Beabadoobee, ft. The Marias)Resist (Raveena)
3/19/26
Prompt: My favorite person on the internet! + the workplace
I remember the first time that I watched this video, I realized that I had never felt so vindicated in my life before. Not once in my life, had another person been capable of putting my thoughts and feelings into words. Even now, a couple years have passed since my first-watch, and I still feel so connected to Sasha's feelings and thoughts. Sasha's way of being and thinking is so expansive-- it does not ask for permission-- she thinks so freely. In moments of despair or confusion, I often referred back to her words: "I am special because I exist-- that's it." Sasha made me feel better for existing because all she does is exist and that is enough... more than enough... She is living proof of the validity of that statement.On a different note, Sasha's thoughts on the average workplace environment heavily align with my own. Like Sasha, I also deeply analyze and observe the workplace environment and asses how people engage with each other. Sasha mentioned this in another video, but she talked about how managers (often white men in her case) tended to be demeaning.In my experience, I too have experienced this kind of treatment from managers or supervisors in the workplace. This was almost always the case for minimum-wage jobs where people aren't even getting paid enough to follow so many nitpicky rules. One thing about me: I will die before my morals do. In other words, I will drop a job that is doing too much! I too, have had to deal with managers who will shamelessly talk their heads off in front of everyone else in the room to subtly assert their dominance and keep people from disrupting the existing hiearchy. It is abuse of power.How come I'm not even allowed to give my coworker a smile? I have exchanged smiles with coworkers before and even that has gotten me intensely side-eyed by the higher-ups. How come I can't have a conversation with my coworkers every now and then? ESPECIALLY if it does not interfere with the quality or quickness of my work whatsoever? I cannot fathom that because it quickly becomes obvious that it is not about work ethic-- it is about wanting to keep people in check-- it is a need to feel dominance and superiority.I'm the kind of person who rather quit than tolerate being disrespected. I know some people cannot afford that luxury if they have families and the like. And THAT is another reason I won't have kids. I LOVE to leave! I will be leaving that job on a whim! I would rather live in my car until I get back on my feet than deal with disrespect in the workplace. You're telling me that WE as average people (especially black, indigenous, and other poeple of color), are already presented with limited options, AS IS, and we are ALSO expected to deal with another added layer of violence. To me, that is violent-natured. The fact that these higher-ups think that we can just be played with... it's demeaning. I will NOT be gaslit back into submission...I know my worth in the workplace. And thankfully, I am educated enough to understand how everyday circumstances can affect me on a biological level. I am not willing to endure unnecessary hardship, especially if the suffering that is imposed onto me is as a result of an inhumane system.And don't even get me started with the people who are in the same boat as me but live life as bootlickers. I know you are not getting paid enough to care! But you do! And that is BEYOND me!I refuse to participate in a losing game. I refuse to give up my dignity and autonomy in exchange for MEDIOCRITY (at best).I do not want to prove my worth to anyone! I know what I am worth! And I will die knowing it. I REFUSE to prove my worth to others by constantly MAXIMIZING my every move. I will not particupate in this game that was never made with people like me in mind. Beauty standards, professionalism, and preferences are all based on oppression. In the words of Sasha: "That's not love-- that's oppression."You couldn't catch me giving a minimum-wage job with no benefits my maximum effort. I REFUSE to base my worth off of my success. I just think that's a ridiculous perspective to take-- especially when life is so much more than what you can produce and offer.Some things are worth more than that.
endless loop... 3/19/2026
Translucid (Pastel Ghost)
4/4/26
Prompt: Virgo in lilith.
There's a lot to unpack here. Those who know, know about Lilith's place in a birthchart. In short, Lilith deals with all that tends to be repressed or hidden. When I think Lilith, I think of power too-- often indicative of the areas where we may experience a perceived loss of power, and vice versa. Lilith may also indicate the type of defiance said person tends to gravitate to.As previously mentioned in the title above, I have Virgo in Lilith.
It goes without saying, Virgo in Lilith varies from person to person--because starcharts are an active interaction between a variety of placements that coexist--but in essence, Virgo brings tense energy to the table. Virgo is often coined as the perfectionist sign-- presenting itself as calculated and among the most goal-oriented.This of which, makes perfect sense in my life. I realized this, more than ever, during the Pisces Mercury Retrograde-- not to mention, I also have Pisces in Mercury, Retrograde.Simply put, I was reminded of people from my past and of issues I thought I had left far behind during this time period.I had a couple of significant revelations during this time period, and most concerned my identity.It was during this time too, that I began to have a more meaningful connection with a (then) friend of a friend.Virgo in Lilith being coined as the "perfectionist-kind" takes away from what the issue at hand ACTUALLY is-- control issues. At the end of the day, what even IS perfection? What I do know, is that perfection leads to all or nothing thinking.Having this placement further reminds me of WHY creative people like me NEED to have this. Creative people like me need an outlet, as to not push their obsessive perfectionist standards and expecations onto others.Sometimes, I catch myself being too uptight, unforgiving, and quick to judge others.A common theme in my life regards this: I have often felt immobilized by fear. Paralysis analysis has reigned in particular areas of my life.However, I will now announce that I am ready to--bit by bit-- detatch from that label. It is a label that has, at times, felt like a badge of honor. But being a perfectionist is like choosing to live confusedly-- under delusion of what you THINK perfection is. But perfection is not an objective truth. Behind perfection is fear of failure. Failure, which is necessary to grow and evolve.And, it doesn't necessarily help if you have this issue at a direct intersection with obsessive compulsive behavior (validated by multiple professionals, I have OCD).
endless loop... 4/4 4/8 2026
Circle (Mitski)
Eyes (Yeule)
Never Goes Away (Devon Again)
Dudu (Yeule)
Born Into (Temachii)
Someday Soon (Baby Bugs)
Text
Prompt: If you don't believe in god, then what do you believe in?
3//2026
Prompt: Which songs carry vivid images and memories?